before it was a thing.

I always have felt that I could handle anything that came my way. I felt almost invisible, nothing could touch me; now that might be my adolescence or my inability to admit I cannot do everything but lately I feel very human. That sounds extremely odd, since that's exactly what we are; but I see everything in a different light. I think in moments like this you realize just what you love and what can fall by the wayside. You catch glimpses of what life really means. 

I know I'm lucky. I found this before it was ever a thing. 
There is something oddly da ja vu about this moment. 
I have been prepping for this for a while now. 
Putting my life into place so I could be able to handle this the way I wanted. 
To beat this
I know that I'm stronger. 
And I found it before it was anything. 

The haunt of what could've been makes me ill 
But I have a partner beside me that I couldn't have designed any better 

He makes me realize everyday that I am beyond lucky. 
Lucky to have him 
Lucky to have the career I have 
Lucky to have found this before 
Lucky to be now. 
He's my literal everything 

Life is brighter beside him. 
He makes me want to be better 
Make him proud 
He makes me, well, Me. 
He pushes me to think deeper. 
Think beyond my box of comfort. 
He understands I can do and will do better 

When I need to cry, he lets me 
When I need to laugh- he's already telling me a joke. 
If I doubt I can do this, he's standing right next to me holding me up 

I am lucky I found this before it was a thing. 
But this non thing made me realize I have everything. 

I am me. I got this. 

Non- Profit World

I recently had a quarter life crisis. I couldn't figure out what was off. I wasn't sleeping, my eye was twitching out of control and my overall thought process seemed stale. Then one morning it hit me. I really needed to get out and help someone besides myself. If I died right now what would my legacy be?? - Whelp I sold a shit ton of Jeans and I was damn good at it. That was not what I wanted. Don't get me wrong- I LOVED my job. I thought it was going to be where I retired. I loved the hustle and bustle of retail. I loved that I could be insanely creative with my clothing and it was absolutely ok. I. LOVED. MY. JOB. 

But in that moment It was like I had struck a chord and my life started falling into place. I really loved knowing when I hit the pillow I made a difference. I started thinking- where was I feeling that the most? My absolute favorite moment in life is watching someone catch on to something they've been struggling with. Watching them see their potential and go farther than they have ever thought possible. - Ok.... so should I teach? BAHAHA I have no patience for teaching- I want to learn that skill and be a "teacher" in some shape or form but I am not built for that. 

So I marched into the Non- profit I had been volunteering with the past year and practically demanded a job. - I think I got it purely out of fear- but I knew, somehow that this was my stepping stone into the life that I wanted to have. I had no idea what job they had for me or if they were even hiring. 

To my surprise I got a call to come in and meet with the director about a training job. I all but started crying. This was perfect. 

I started what I thought was going to be a little training here and there, knowing I could make a difference to the people that I was around. I could have that moment I loved so much happen over and over. I could help them. Never did I consider what I feel like was MY moment. 

My first week was a whirlwind- we were cleaning out houses and going to events. I got to meet the staff and take a tour through the facility. I set up a whiteboard where I got to draw out what I wanted to happen this month/year/ and beyond. It looked like brain vomit and I loved every minute. 
I was so consumed with getting the curriculum finished I hardly ever went on the floor- experienced first hand what I was wanting in the first place. I think for a while I forgot why I was there. 

Then a team member came in and asked if I would sit down with a struggling teammate. Now I had no idea why they were struggling but I jumped at the chance to "impact" someones life. During that conversation I don't even remember if I even said anything that helped the individual- but I vividly remember that moment. This individual reminded me of why this organization is so valuable. They take people that are on their last hope and give them a reason to get up. They (as the people in the program often say) "save their lives" I wasn't here to help them. They were here to help me. 

The people aren't filthy rich- they don't have fancy cars or insanely large houses- they live within their means. They reach out and carry bags for people that are struggling. They say sir and mam. and i'll be damned if I ever get to a door be fore they do. They touch lives by the example of how strong they are. 

 As I was sitting in our cafe I looked around at all the people in this place and I knew why I was there. Months before sitting in my bed, eye twitching and all I knew I needed a changed. This was it. And I knew that I needed them much more than they needed me. I was just there to be inspired. 

Hopefully during the years I'm here I can help as much as it's helped me.

-CM